I got job offers via text for jobs I didn’t apply to from recruiters promising death within a year I’d text them back and ask if it was true that I could die in as little as thirty minutes a day in the comfort of my own home they said it came with other benefits too like a pillow for your lower back and a wired headset and a commemorative watch that helped apply pressure to a finger wrapped around a trigger and a shower curtain waiting for a final deposit